How to Explain Dissociation to Friends and Family

Finding the Words for Something Hard to Describe

If you experience dissociation, you may already know how hard it can be to put it into words. You might go quiet in the middle of a conversation, lose track of an afternoon, or feel as though you are watching life through glass. The people who love you may have noticed, and may be worried, confused or unsure what to say. You may be carrying the extra weight of not knowing how to begin.

Dissociation is a way the mind protects itself when something feels too much. It can involve feeling detached from your body, your surroundings, your emotions or your memories.¹ ² Explaining it to someone else is not a test you have to pass. It is simply an invitation for them to understand you a little better.

In this article, you will find gentle ways to decide who to tell and what to share, plain-language explanations and everyday comparisons you can borrow, and practical ideas for asking for the support you need. This article offers general information and is not a substitute for personalised advice from a qualified professional. Some of the books mentioned in Further Reading are affiliate links, which means we may earn a small commission at no extra cost to you.

Before You Start: Who, What and When

You are in charge of your own story. You do not owe anyone a full explanation, and you can share a little now and more later, or not at all. Many people find it helps to begin with one person they already feel safe with, rather than telling everyone at once.

It can help to ask yourself a few quiet questions first. Who in my life tends to listen without rushing to fix things? What do I most want them to understand? What would I like them to do, or not do, when I dissociate?

Choosing a good moment

Try to choose a time when you both feel settled, and are not in the middle of an argument or a crisis. A walk, a car journey or a shared task can make the conversation feel less intense than sitting face to face. If speaking feels like too much, writing a message or a short letter is a perfectly valid way to begin.

It can also help to decide in advance how much you want to say. You might share only the bare outline, such as “sometimes my mind switches off from what is happening around me, and I can seem far away”. You can add detail later, if and when it feels right.

Having someone with you

If you work with a therapist, you can ask whether they would be willing to support a conversation, or help you rehearse what you want to say. Some people bring a trusted person to a session so that a professional can help explain. Treatment guidelines for dissociative disorders emphasise safety, stabilisation and building skills, and support from people close to you can be part of that foundation.³

What Dissociation Is, in Plain Words

Dissociation is a disconnection between things that usually fit together, such as your thoughts, feelings, body sensations, memories and sense of who you are.¹ It exists on a spectrum. At the mild end, almost everyone has experienced it, for example when driving a familiar route and realising you cannot remember the last few miles. At the other end, dissociation can be frequent, distressing and can affect daily life, as in dissociative disorders.

Two experiences are especially helpful to name. Depersonalisation is feeling detached from yourself, as though you are an observer of your own body or thoughts. Derealisation is feeling that the world around you is unreal, foggy, distant or dreamlike.²

Dissociation is very often linked to overwhelming or frightening experiences, particularly in childhood, though it is not always.⁴ In people with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), some experience a pattern in which emotions are dampened or shut down rather than flooding in, which researchers describe as a dissociative subtype of PTSD.⁴ It helps to explain to loved ones that this is not a choice and not a lack of caring. It is the nervous system doing what it learned to do to keep you safe.

It is also worth saying that dissociative experiences are more common than many people expect, and that these conditions are still widely misunderstood, including in films and in the media.⁵ ⁶ If the person you are speaking to has picked up frightening ideas from those portrayals, a calm, simple explanation can be a real relief.

Everyday Comparisons You Can Borrow

Metaphors can do a lot of the work when the experience itself is hard to describe. You do not need to use them all. Choose the one that feels closest to your own experience, or use them as a starting point to find your own.

The fuse box

“You know when too many appliances run at once and the power trips? My mind has a safety switch like that. When things get too intense, it cuts the power to protect the rest of the house. It is not a fault, it is a safety feature that sometimes trips when it does not need to.”

The autopilot drive

“Have you ever arrived somewhere and not remembered the journey? That is a very mild version of what happens to me, but it can last longer, and I cannot always snap out of it.”

The bad connection

“It is like a video call where the picture freezes and the sound drops out. I am still here, but my connection to the room is weak right now. It usually comes back, and it helps if you stay on the line with me.”

The fog or glass wall

“Sometimes it feels like there is a pane of glass or a thick fog between me and everything else. I can see and hear you, but you feel far away. It does not mean I do not care about you.”

What You Might Say, and What You Might Ask For

Many loved ones want to help but do not know how. Giving them one or two clear, concrete things to do is often kinder to everyone than leaving them to guess. Research on trauma recovery consistently finds that supportive relationships matter, and that a lack of social support is among the stronger risk factors for longer-lasting difficulties.⁷

Some openers you could try

• “There is something about how my mind works that I would like you to understand. Can I tell you a little about it?”
• “Sometimes I seem distant or I go quiet. It is not about you, and it is not something I am choosing.”
• “I am working on this with support, and it would help me if you knew what to expect.”

Practical things you might ask for

• Speak calmly and use my name if I seem far away.
• Please do not shake me or touch me without asking. A gentle voice is usually better.
• Help me notice where I am, for example by saying “you are at home, it is Tuesday afternoon”.
• Offer a glass of water, a cold drink or something with a strong smell or taste if I like grounding that way.
• Do not take it personally if I cannot talk. Give me time, and check in again later.
• Please do not ask me to explain or relive painful memories in the moment.

Agreeing a simple signal in advance, such as a particular phrase, a hand gesture or a text message, can make it much easier to communicate when words feel out of reach.

A Moment to Ground

If you are reading this and feeling distant, tired or a little foggy, that is perfectly all right. Pause here for a moment. Feel your feet on the floor, notice three things you can see, and take one slow breath. You can come back to this article at any time.

When Conversations Do Not Go as Hoped

Content note: this section mentions disbelief and rejection, which can be painful. Skip ahead to the Quick Reference box if you need to.

Sometimes the response is not the one we hoped for. A friend may change the subject, a relative may say “just try to think positive”, or someone may seem frightened. Reactions like these often come from fear and a lack of information, not from a lack of love. This does not make your experience any less real.

If someone responds with doubt or dismissal, you might say, “I understand this is new to you. I am not asking you to fully understand it, only to believe me about how it feels.” You can also offer them something to read, such as the Mind information page on dissociation, so that you do not have to carry the whole explanation yourself.⁸

It is also fine to decide that a particular person is not the right one to confide in right now. Support can come from several places: a therapist, a peer support group, an online community or one trusted friend. You do not need everyone to understand in order to be understood.

When someone you love gets it wrong

People who are trying to help will sometimes say the wrong thing or react awkwardly. If you can, tell them what would have been more helpful, and thank them for trying. Understanding usually grows over many small conversations, not one big one.

When to Seek Professional Help

If dissociation is making daily life difficult, frightening you, or leading to time loss, memory gaps or a sense of being unsafe, it is worth speaking to your GP or a trauma-informed therapist. Specialist treatment can help, and there is real reason for hope. Guidelines describe a phased approach that starts with safety and stabilisation, building skills before moving to deeper work.³

Loved ones may also benefit from support of their own. Supporting someone who dissociates can be tiring and sometimes worrying, and it is entirely reasonable for family members and friends to look after their own wellbeing too.

Further Reading

Books: beginner

• Trauma is Really Strange by Steve Haines and Sophie Standing (illustrated with Peter Levine’s approach): a short, visual introduction that many people find easy to share with others.
• The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk: a widely read account of how trauma affects the body and mind.

Books: intermediate

• Coping with Trauma Related Dissociation by Suzette Boon, Kathy Steele and Onno van der Hart: practical skills and explanations for people experiencing dissociation.
• Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors by Janina Fisher: a compassionate look at inner parts and how to work with them.

Books: advanced

• The Haunted Self by Onno van der Hart, Ellert Nijenhuis and Kathy Steele: a detailed clinical text, most useful alongside a therapist.

Accessible journal articles

• Spiegel, D., et al. (2011). Dissociative disorders in DSM-5. Depression and Anxiety. https://doi.org/10.1002/da.20874
• Lanius, R. A., et al. (2010). Emotion modulation in PTSD: Clinical and neurobiological evidence for a dissociative subtype. American Journal of Psychiatry. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.2009.09081168

Support resources and communities

• First Person Plural: a UK charity supporting people with dissociative identity disorder (DID) and those close to them.
• Positive Outcomes for Dissociative Survivors (PODS): UK-based information and support for people affected by dissociation and trauma.

References

1. Spiegel, D., Loewenstein, R. J., Lewis-Fernández, R., Sar, V., Simeon, D., Vermetten, E., Cardeña, E., & Dell, P. F. (2011). Dissociative disorders in DSM-5. Depression and Anxiety, 28(9), 824–852. https://doi.org/10.1002/da.20874
2. American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed., text rev.). https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425787
3. International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation. (2011). Guidelines for treating dissociative identity disorder in adults, third revision. Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, 12(2), 115–187. https://doi.org/10.1080/15299732.2011.537247
4. Lanius, R. A., Vermetten, E., Loewenstein, R. J., Brand, B., Schmahl, C., Bremner, J. D., & Spiegel, D. (2010). Emotion modulation in PTSD: Clinical and neurobiological evidence for a dissociative subtype. American Journal of Psychiatry, 167(6), 640–647. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.2009.09081168
5. Sar, V. (2011). Epidemiology of dissociative disorders: An overview. Epidemiology Research International, 2011, Article 404538. https://doi.org/10.1155/2011/404538
6. Loewenstein, R. J. (2018). Dissociation debates: Everything you know is wrong. Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience, 20(3), 229–242. https://doi.org/10.31887/DCNS.2018.20.3/rloewenstein
7. Brewin, C. R., Andrews, B., & Valentine, J. D. (2000). Meta-analysis of risk factors for posttraumatic stress disorder in trauma-exposed adults. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 68(5), 748–766. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.68.5.748
8. Mind. (n.d.). Dissociation and dissociative disorders. https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/dissociation-and-dissociative-disorders/

Before you go, take a moment to return to the present. Feel your feet on the floor, notice three things you can see around you, and take one slow breath. Whatever brought you here, you have taken a caring step by learning more. Healing happens gradually, and you do not have to do it all at once.